Kids Change Everything And Focusing On The Feel Good Factor

Life completely changed for me once I had kids.  Though I didn’t realise it straight away.

You can never be fully prepared for what the reality of it means. You can read all you like. Ask all the questions. Go on any parenting course. But when life brings you that child or children, everything changes.

As a mother, I naively thought that I could continue living my life as I had done. Maintain that job. Build my career. I thought it shouldn’t be much different than life before kids. Oh, how wrong I was. Perhaps some people can do this, but I couldn’t and can’t!

I don’t believe it was my fault that I thought it would all stay the same – society now expects and somewhat brainwashes us parents that we can carry on living the same way as before.

There is this process and treadmill we are expected to follow, almost without question.

It took me a while before I realised I had to stick my finger up to the ‘societal expectations’. The pressure of working too damn hard, not making enough money, spending too much money on child care and not spending the time I needed with my boys was too much. Oh, there’s the stress and unhappiness of it all too.

I didn’t want to handle it. It felt wrong.  In my heart I felt that there had to be a better way.

In the early days I tried going back to full time work and failed. Not only could I not bear the emotional side of being away from my kids, but the practicalities of full time work did not did not match up to the family life that we wanted and needed. It ended up with me working to mostly just cover my work and childcare expenses, not seeing much of my boys and generally living a life without the focus we needed.

Perhaps I would have felt differently if I was in a job that I truly loved, respected and given the flexibility that I needed. At that time I wasn’t. I felt confused and unsure where I was heading.

This partly made me feel like a failure when I decided not to pursue a full time job. I had no clear vision of where I wanted to be. I felt like I was missing out. Getting behind in my career. Not contributing as much as I wanted to financially. Something really felt strange about the fact that as a society we are expected to work consistently and constantly.  When we can’t we all too often feel inadequate.

My kids changed everything for me. They’ve made me think and re-think everything I do. I have learned to focus my energy and time on work that I am passionate about and what makes me feel good. Anything else is not good enough for me, and consequently my family.

My family is a reflection of who I am, what I do and how I feel.  I think the ‘feeling‘ part is often overlooked and considered a low priority by society.  Yet how we feel radiates in a positive or negative way to all those around us.

This focus on feeling good, being happy, doing positive things and things that I enjoy has become a part of who I am.  I turn down things that don’t align with this ‘feel good’ factor. I try things out and evaluate whether they make me feel good.  Sometimes I think they will, but they don’t.  The ability to stop is equally as important.

Isn’t this feel good factor important in the one life we get to live?

Of course, it’s not all a bed of rosie’s 🙂  Life is not perfect. And living this way brings it’s own set of challenges and sacrifices.  However, they are challenges I am willing and happy to fight to for.



Categories: Me

Willing To Lead

I so identify with this.  Watch the video.

“A leader is someone who is not just willing to own the result, but the process (as well).”

It’s something that time and time again I’ve experienced and seen in the world around me.  People are happy to talk the talk, but walking the walk is a whole different story.

I see this in my professional life.

I see it in my personal life.

And ‘I Am Willing’ in the sense that I’m making change that I feel I am capable of.  I’m not taking on the world.  I’m doing things that are important to me and that are within my reach *now*.

I don’t have the time, energy or passion to change the education system.  So instead I (and my husband) own the process of unschooling my boys.  We will also own and take responsibility of the results of their learning.

I own the my work.  I *try* to lead in the world of software testing. In my way. In a way that I am capable and responsible for.  I know that if I stop now, then my work will quickly fail and I will stop leading the way. I am happy to own the results.  Of course I dream that the results will be positive, but whether or not they are, then at least I’ve tried and I will be proud of what I have done.

‘I Am Willing’ and to lead the way, in what matters in my life.  I often avoid and don’t talk about all the stuff I do, normally opting for just doing stuff.  One thing, one day at a time.

And what many people don’t realise, is that if they are truly interested in something, then they too can become leaders of what matters to them.

Categories: Me

Quantity Over Quality

There’s that saying that ‘quality time’ is important. We must spend quality time with the kids, partners, husband, wife, mother, father, friends…etc.

Quality is associated with being ‘important’ and of ‘value’. As a society we are obsessed with quality time – perhaps the one or two holidays over the year are our quality time together to relax. I question if this is enough and I can’t help but think that quantity time is more important that quality time.

There are situations where quantity should outstrip quality.

In the context of family life for example, I’d rather spend lots of time with my kids without the focus on it all being about quality time. Instead of not spending much time with them and feeling that the little time we do have needs to be compressed full of quality.

I spend alot of quantity time with my kids by:

  • being around most of the time
  • giving them space and freedom
  • hanging out in the same room
  • answering on the spur of the moment questions
  • working from home
  • finding compatibilities in our interests and activities
  • taking part in their interests
  • and simply designing my life around theirs

However, I feel society often pushes and focuses on quality time. With so much work commitments, we are spending less and less time together and are then pressured to focus on the little quality time that is left. We are encouraged to do special things in our quality time. Spend money. Go on holidays. Buy things.

Is this what we really need? Does it make us happy?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t go on holidays. I go on holidays (often mixing them with work opportunities to make them more affordable). But having it as the main time we can chill out together as a family just feels wrong.

The more quantity time I spend with my family the more strongly I feel about this and the better our relationships are becoming.

Categories: Me

There’s No Business Like Slow Business

Society is obsessed with ‘Quick’

We want a quick fix diet.

A quick route to being fit and healthy.

Fast (but good) food.

A well paying job, now.

With big rewards in the near future.

That big house, now.

An overnight business success.

How many ads and books do you see trying to sell you a quick solution?

But what about the process?

Why are we forgetting the value of the process? It’s the journey that matters, yet we often seem to focus on getting to the end as quickly as possible – thinking that the end is success and the success at the end is what will make us happy.

We glorify success. Everywhere. Ads. Movies. Magazines. Articles. Society pushes us to strive for success, trying to make us believe it is the holy grail. That we are lesser people if we do not make it.

The process of trying to create or be involved in something important is what makes me happy, what about you?

The value of slow business

I think about the business I run a lot. It would be unwise not to! It’s been a slow journey. 7 years in the making, yet only the past 3 years has seen ‘good’ growth. And even this ‘good’ growth is my own measurement, not someone else’s opinion.

I don’t have a proper office. I don’t have ‘permanent employees’. My forecast is not to make millions. I have no debts either. Nor do I ever spend more than I have.

The business I run could not happen overnight. It takes years to build a community and even more years and trials and errors to figure out how to turn it into a profitable business.

For me it’s not all about the profits, it’s also about enjoying and believing in what I do whilst maintaining a healthy work life balance. It takes time and consistent ongoing effort to figure this stuff out. Most people don’t stick with it, you’re many steps ahead if you can. And even more steps ahead if you are able to adapt at any given point.

It’s slow business, but the best bit is that it is sustainable business. My growth chart is a steady upwards curve, it’s not rapid, it’s steady. Steady is good! I can build confidently upon steady and predictable business. I fail. I succeed. I fail. I succeed. I do this all in small amounts. Small failures and successes are easy to cope with. Big failures can be overwhelming, stressful and complete ‘doomdom’!

I focus on the work that I want to do. I don’t let others put me under unnecessary commitments or pressures. I am clear in my mind and goals of where my business is heading. Lots of little steps makes it slow. However, it so clearly feels so right. I have the time to observe the work that I’m doing. Not only to ensure that it is viable as a business, but also to ensure that this is something that I personally feel happy doing.

Fast Business

The flipside is fast business – which often bring in lots of pressure. Fast and often wrong decisions. Hiring employees. Office space. Investors. Loans. Stress. Big failure.

These are all attempts at getting to the goal faster, often too fast. People will say that fast business means more and better rewards. This speak is normally in reference to money and status. The reality is that striving for these so called rewards brings many additional problems to our world.

Fast or slow? You decided.

I vote for slow, conscious, happy business.

The Loneliness of Business

Sometimes running a business is hard.

Bootstrapping brings it’s own separate challenges – much of it is wanting to do so much but having very limited resources to make stuff happen.  This is often a blessing in disguise.

Whilst I network with testers and talk to the community about things, there are certain things I don’t always feel I can talk about.

What do you do when an idea fails?  That’s one of the most painful things.  It can be scary launching something that could fail. Or that could require lots of work for no return or potential loss of money and livelihood for my family.

What do you do when you don’t reach your goals?

What do you do when your community and customer base have this fluffy and inaccurate vision of how things are?

What about deciding to pull the plug on certain projects and potentially upsetting customers?

If I talk about failure will it be bad for the future of the business?

If I talk too much about success will it make me look arrogant?

Where do I draw the line of what to share?

I love openness in business, but where do I draw the line for mine?

There have been many things I have been doing to try to grow my company.  My work over the years has accumulated in ways that sometimes I don’t give myself or get credit for.  I am somehow succeeding where others have failed.

Increasingly I am having to say no.  It still feels weird and awkward sometimes. No I can’t do this. Or that. No I won’t sell that.  No, that’s not where we align our business.  No I can’t do for free what I normally charge for.

Increasingly people see success and want a free ride.

Sometimes it’s lonely. And frustrating. And hard.  Ultimately, where I am now, I am responsible for everything. I make the decisions. Things happen or not based on my actions.

How do I know if I’m making the right decisions?  What makes something ‘right’?

I thank my husband for being around and putting up with the challenges I face.  I thank my kids for being patient with me.

I’ve long felt like I couldn’t talk about the ins and out of my business until I went to BaconBiz last month.   It was a breath of fresh air to be able to speak to people openly about the challenges we are all facing in bootstrapping our businesses.  And to be honest, whilst the talks were certainly interesting and useful, talking to actual people and listening to their stories is what I found most valuable about the whole experience.

So thanks to BaconBiz and the ongoing discussions and friends that have been made, I don’t feel as lonely as I use to!


You Should Be Proud Of Yourself

I tend not to big myself up.  I often prefer to keep my head down and just get on with stuff.

(And seriously, I’m not looking for compliments here.  It’s part of my story.)

My husband tells me I should be proud of what I’ve achieved.  And I am.  But I haven’t really shared this in public.  It is probably because I don’t Lean In enough.

Part of it is that I’m still finding my way.  I still feel like I need to find my sweet spot.  There are many things I want to do.  I have a big, big list on my unofficial bucketlist.

However, with my upcoming trip to the US and the chance to meet many other bootstrappers – I have been diving deeper into what other bootstrappers have been doing.

I then compare it to what I’ve done. And guess what?

I’ve been doing and succeeding at what they’ve been talking about.   Whilst living a life of relative freedom.  I work lots. But I also spend lots of time with my family. My husband and I are currently taking equal responsibility for our work. Our kids. And our household.

I work hard, but it doesn’t really feel like work.  I love what I’m creating. And the people I’m working with.  Work and life just rolls into one big ball of awesomeness.

There is something incredibly rewarding and enlightening about it.  I keep talking about it to friends. I feel like I need to pinch myself. I hope it is something that will last.  Where I am now is a very good place and I can’t help but feel that many more people should be in the place that I am in now.

On top of this I feel like I am able to invest in myself.  Something I should have been doing all along.  But life, as it does, often takes over.  And as a mother, I put everyone else in my family before myself.  Perhaps rightly, but probably in hindsight, that was the wrong thing to do.

As I’m investing in myself I am feeling my confidence increase dramatically.  I’m not spending money doing this, rather I am giving myself the time I deserve to do more of the things I should be doing.  Eating the right kind of food (a Paleo diet for me) and exercising plenty (running 3 times per week).

I now feel like WonderWoman and ready to push myself to new limits – in work, personal and family life.

USA Part 2

Last Autumn I went to California for a workliday.  It was awesome.

This time I’m off to Philadelphia for BaconBiz.  A small conference for peeps like me who bootstrap their business along the bumpy roads.  I will then head on down to North Carolina.

The big difference for me is that I’m travelling alone. No big deal you may say.  But for me it is.  Being a family person. Someone who has built their business to be able to spend more (or all!) time with my family.  Spending virtually all my days surrounded by the awesomeness of The Sherry Family. Unschooling.  It is a big deal, for me.

I actually think I haven’t spent more than 24 hours away from my whole family. I will now be faced with a whole 2 weeks to myself.


Perhaps if you are in Philadelphia or Chapel Hill, North Carolina then you can help me spend some of my time.  Just get in touch!

How Rosie Leans In

I was recently pointed towards the TedTalk and then Lean In book of Sheryl Sandberg.  She’s the COO of Facebook.  I had never heard of her until a few weeks ago.

My first reaction was, umm, pro-women-feminist-leadership. Yawn.  I’ve read enough about that.  The fact that her experience is at a very high level also made me weary of what she was trying to communicate.  I didn’t feel like anything she had to say about women and leadership would really make me think deeply enough about it to write this blog post.

I’m pretty sure, for example, that I don’t want represent a huge company to be a high flying exec, attending big meetings and travelling the world.  It’s just not how I rock ‘n’ roll.

In my time I’ve struggled with finding an employer who would be open to the work flexibility that I aspired to.  Perhaps I didn’t try hard enough. Perhaps I was too scared. Perhaps I felt the times that I tried to ask meant that I was knocked off the list. The fact that Sheryl requested as part of her job to be able to be home for dinner, whilst I understand is brave, is just not something that is good enough for me.  This working for someone else thing just doesn’t work for me.  I needed more than just getting home for dinner time.

However, like Sheryl says. We all want different things.  She’s gone after what she has wanted, whilst raising a family.  I’m doing the same, the Rosie way.

I recognise that I’ve stepped back in many ways, instead of leaning in.  I stopped working when I was pregnant.  I tried going back afterwards, but I couldn’t take it.  I didn’t love the work I was doing at the time enough to see through the high cost of childcare, huge pressure to juggle home & work whilst not seeing my kids.  I did the opposite of what Sheryl talks about – I leaned out instead of in.

However, over the years I’ve been defining my own life whilst discovering the things that I really enjoy doing.  Perhaps I leaned back in  areas, but I certainly leaned in and stayed focused in many other ways.

I don’t think I’ve let myself down. I’ve always had dreams to do things. I’ve always tried hard. I’ve never been happy just being a SAHM – I get bored very quickly.  This boredom meant that I was constantly playing around with project and business ideas.  Some have failed, however, others are now flourishing.  Flourishing in a way that I’ve somehow gotten myself into a leadership role of my own.

It feels weird.  And I find it hard to take credit for it.  (Which is exactly what Sheryl says that women don’t do enough of…and men take credit all too easily).  I’m still not quite sure if ‘the not taking credit for it’  is just who I am, or if maybe, just maybe I should claiming my recognition and shouting about it more.  For now, I’m quite happy pushing things along. Growing my business. Desigining my home and business life to accommodate my needs:

  • I run a successful business that is designed around my family.
  • I bloody love what I do.
  • I unschool my boys.
  • I spend alot of quantity and quality time with the family.
  • I have a supportive and now equal partner.
  • I am happy.

I’ve long been dissatisfied with the status quo.  I honestly don’t understand why so many things are the way they are.  My way of leaning in is to challenge them by creating and sharing my own reality.

“Leadership is about making others better as a result of your presence and making sure that the impact lasts in your absence” – Sheryl Sandberg

I believe I’m doing the above through my work at Software Testing Club and Ministry of Testing.  I’m working on other projects and discovering new passions which I hope will have a similar impact at some point in the future too!

Seeking Happiness

I enjoyed watching this video –  The Happy Secret to Better Work.  Watch it if you can.  I’ll wait.

I’ve been adapting my life over the years to help me become a better and happier person in my personal life and at work. (I actually don’t like separating work and life into separate categories because I believe they should work in harmony – not one or the other. But that’s another story).

I find the above video explains very well what I’m trying to do in addition to giving me some tips to continually improve whatever it is I’m trying to do.

Success Through Happiness

The underlying principal is that the majority of us are trying to find happiness through success. However, we should be finding success through happiness. We need to flip things around.

So it might be:

  • Do things that will make us happy.
  • Exercise to keep our bodies sharp.
  • Eat well.
  • Do work that is engaging.
  • Spending quality time with friends and family.

Through this we will become happy and successful on our own terms (not the terms that society dictates)

Instead of:

  • Working hard in the hope at some point we will achieve the success.
  • Not eating well.
  • Not exercising.
  • Making sacrifices that we hope will pay off at some point.
  • And then hope that we’ll be happy.

As a society we think that happiness will come with success, but in our hearts I think many of us know that is not true. You only need to look at the lives of many ‘successful’ people and see that they aren’t really happy and many are actually very unhealthy and miserable.

I personally don’t want to succeed  if the sacrifice is my health.  That’s failure in my eyes.

How Am I Finding Success?

Of course it’s through happiness, one by one I’m doing things that make me feel good.

  • I exercise daily (most of the time)
  • I eat well (most of the time)
  • I spend lots of time with my family
  • I work hard, under my terms
  • I am creating a business that I feel happy with (it’s taken a while, but I seem to be getting there).
  • I feel my confidence and happiness in my work is reflecting in my steady and consistent growth.

Things I’d like to be doing (helpful points from the video):

  • showing more gratitude
  • journalling / blogging
  • doing more random acts of kindess
  • meditating, just a little bit 🙂

Everything I do are small changes and efforts where that genuinely make me feel positive as a person.  There haven’t been many drastic changes in my life…each one of them have been one thing at a time.  Looking back – my life has actually changed quite a lot.  I can see it working and hopefully with conscious efforts I will continue along this very interesting and challenging task in life!

Categories: Me

Are We Setting Up Our Kids For Failure?

Well, my husband blogged about optimising for happiness, so I thought I’d keep up with him with these few words on a similar kind of subject. 🙂

I’ve often thought about the high expectations that parents and society have on kids.

Stuff like:

  • getting the best grades
  • getting a degree
  • getting a proper and well paying job
  • deciding on a defined career from an early age
  • buying a house

It kind of perplexes me a bit these days.  If people don’t achieve what they have set out to achieve then they feel like a failure.  I know I did for quite a while.

I wanted that degree. I wanted an important job.  The hurdles that I came across felt like I was destined to fail constantly.

  • I failed to love the academic world.
  • I failed to love the corporate world.
  • I failed to love the routine of working life.
  • I failed (for a while) to find my place in where I wanted to be.
  • I failed (for a while) to find that happiness that I was after.

In hindsight, I haven’t failed. Or I have, but I just call failures an ‘educational opportunity’.  However, I think I would have given myself an easier time if expectations of me (from myself, family and society) had just been a bit different.

Instead of setting goals for these ‘things’ (grades, degrees, etc) we should be setting goals for personal happiness and health.  There are too many of us out there who are just not happy with what we are doing with our lives.  We’ve been taught to strive for better things, but really we need to be striving for happiness and health.

Just imagine what we would all be doing if we all had a focused goal of being happy and healthy. Imagine how different the world would be today.

I’m working towards being happy and healthy, consistently.  It’s a good place to be.